I got chris browned last night
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
