I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
