My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
