my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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