I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
