He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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