No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
