I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
