I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
