Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
