Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
