Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
