My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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