Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
