It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
