im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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