So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
