I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
