My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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