look no pants
Too much gin, very little bucket
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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