Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
