I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
