Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
