Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
