fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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