So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
