i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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