Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
