My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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