I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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