She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
