I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
