I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
