at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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