Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
