So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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