The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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