Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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