i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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