The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
