I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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