Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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