I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
