hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
