Yo dont text me then not text me
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
