Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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