My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
