the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
