Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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