just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
