Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
