Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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