i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We were destined to go to rehab together
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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